Cliff Diving

Soooooo, I had stepped on the scale at Marisa's before I left and I had gained 3 pounds which isn't bad since I had expected much much worse for being in a depression. So, I did a little better as far as at the very least making myself get out and go for walks, if not running. I also was in Plentywood at this point, so no access to a gym. My eating still wasn't right-it's like I'm on this never ending vacation so it's really difficult for me to get ahold of it-I get so frustrated and angry just writing about it. So, after about a week and a half later I weigh myself again and I lost those 3 lbs-hurray hurray. Then, I go to Minneapolis and the first night I am here I go to put on my going-out pants which I haven't worn since I got my new jeans, and holy smokes, are they tight!!!!!!!! I cannot tell you how awful that feeling is. For years, I've been wanting to lose weight only to start heading in the other direction. It's not like a wrong turn, but more like falling off a cliff. To make matters worse, I stepped on Carm's scale (which is digital so I like to use that as an excuse) and it told me I weighed 6 lbs more, then the Wii told me I was obese and am going to have huge health problems-"I KNOW YOU STUPID BI-" Anyways...

So, now it's all I can think of, which makes me more depressed, which just makes me want to cry and eat. I just-I'm at a loss right now, want to pull my hair out, and I feel like I have no stability which is making matters worse. I just-wish-I didn't have to think about this all the time.

Munch before Miles

Well, I did it. I got up early, drank some H2O and headed to the gym, ready to work! About 20 minutes in, I started feeling sickly. I put down the weights and headed for the locker room. Oh dear me...I've had this feeling before, it started spreading-felt nauseous, then light headed, then-uh oh, seeing spots. All I could think was "please don't pass out!" After sitting, hunkered over for what seemed like forever, it finally passed. Needless to say, that ended my short-lived weight lifting session. I headed home for some much needed breakfast of a soft boiled egg and dry whole wheat toast-yay me! I even headed out for an hour run a little after breakfast digested, and signed up for a 5K with my friend, Jewell tomorrow. It feels like a great beginning. Lunch was a delicious smoothy and celery with veggie dip (http://www.rachaelray.com/recipe.php?recipe_id=3160 super easy and healthy recipe from Rachael Ray). Excited that my friend Jessi and my parents are coming to visit for the weekend.

Knee Deep

Sooooo, I'm knee deep in Reese's wrappers in front of the TV wondering how and when I'm going to change. Thinking and looking back at my life 2 years ago, I never thought I'd be in the exact same position I was then. I can't tell you how many times I BEGAN the road to happiness, to 20 lbs thinner, but wound up knee deep in wrappers, miserable. I guess tomorrow is going to be another one of those days? But, I want it to be different. I want it to be the last beginning-I don't want to end up knee deep again. I don't want to feel this ever again-like I failed and it's 100% my fault because I couldn't get my ass off the couch. What a poor excuse. So, to the last night of this misery-Cheers.